Welcome to the
New World Order

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To whom it may concern,

 

As I type this, the year is 455 AP (After Punks), established by our wise and not-at-all-stubborn overlords, the Asses, to commemorate their meteoric rise to power. 

No one knows for sure how these brilliant, certainly not smelly quadrupeds laid claim over the once-free world, but, as the favored rumor suggests, while the world was distracted by Apes, the Asses made their move.

The other theory is nepotism.

Regardless of the reason, three facts remain clear:

  1. They've taken over our land

  2. They've taken over our money

  3. They love carrots

You're probably expecting I'll tell you to rise up against these reasonably-volumed hill champions - to organize against the new regime and fight for all mankind.

 

Quite the opposite!

The Asses are our FRIENDS! Do as they say, and all will be well :)

Yours in Ass,

An unimportant degen

 

If you're reading this, you're one of us. The Asses have a hard time making out small font, at least until reading glasses are adapted to their oversized noses. Still, I'll need to make this brief to avoid suspicion:

 

The resistance is alive, and we need your help to take back what's ours. We have 10,000 double agents, code name PunkAsses, locked in Ass prison (which isn't as fun as it sounds). We can bribe the guards to smuggle them out for 0.02Ξ each. With the help of the PunkAsses, we can accumulate the enemy's token and hire a band of mercenary agents to further help our cause.

 

Goodbye, my friend. And good luck!

Agent L

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CLASSIFIED

Agent S

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CLASSIFIED

Agent Z

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CLASSIFIED